英語で笑う！ 教室爆笑スキット / Laughing in English! Explosive Laughter Skits for the Classroom / Anti-jokes

I originally wrote this on Facebook but am posting it here for your enjoyment.

I'm at school trying to avoid writing essays and have found this book of English language skits for Japanese elementary and junior high school students. I have a suspicion that these were written by non-native English speakers. Or the Excite.co.jp Japanese translator.

I hope you like anti-jokes.

'I Like What I Like!'

Teacher: Do you like steak, Toshio?

Toshio: No, I don't. I don't like steak.

Teacher: Why?

Toshio: Because it isn't good for our health.

Teacher: I see. Then how about fruit?

Toshio: I love all of the fruit. Especially I like melons, apples and oranges. Fruit is good for our health.

Teacher: How about vegetables?

Toshio: I don't like vegetables.

Teacher: But vegetables are also very good for our health. Why don't you like vegetables? Do you have a special reason?

Toshio: No. I have no speacial [sic] reasons. I just like what I like.

Teacher: Mmmmm...

...

'In the Classroom'

Nicchoku: Stand up!

Teacher: Good morning, class.

Class: Good morning.

Nicchoku: Sit down!

Teacher: Now I'm going to take attendance. Andou?

Andou: Yes, sir.

Teacher: Inoue?

Inoue: I'm present.

Teacher: Okada?

Okada: Here, sir.

Teacher: Katou?...Katou? Is he absent?

Okada: Yes, he is absent.

Teacher: OK...next. Suzuki?...Suzuki? Is she absent, too?

Inoue: No, she isn't...she is sleeping.

Teacher: Oh, no!

...

'I Cleaned!'

Teacher: Where is Hiroshi?

Shizuko: I don't know. He often escapes.

- Hiroshi enters -

Teacher: Where were you?

Hiroshi: In the toilet.

Teacher: Why? Today's cleaning is your turn.

Hiroshi: I know.

Teacher: You know? So why didn't you clean?

Hiroshi: I did, sir/madam. I cleaned.

Teacher: But you were in the toilet.

Hiroshi: Yes. I was in the toilet. But I cleaned.

Teacher: You cleaned? What did you clean?

Hiroshi: I often say bad words. So I washed my mouth.

Teacher: Mmmmm...

...

I am continuing my foray into the mind of Japan translated to English translated to child translated to Japanese translated to English.

'I Have a Pet!'

Teacher: Do you have any pets, Takeshi?

Takeshi: Yes, I do.

Teacher: What do you have?

Takeshi: I have a dog. It is white. It is very big. And it is very smart.

Teacher: How about you, Yoko?

Yoko: I have a cat. It is black. It is small. It is very cute.

Teacher: How about you, Yusuke?

Yusuke: My pet is black. And it is very small.

Teacher: Is your pet a cat, too?

Yusuke: No. My pet is not smart or cute. But I don't have to give food to my pet every day.

Teacher: What is your pet?

Yusuke: It's a cockroach!

Teacher: You are kidding, aren't you?

Yusuke: No kidding!

...

'In the Homeroom Meeting'

Teacher: By the way, Hiroshi, can I ask you some questions?

Hiroshi: Sure.

Teacher: Do you eat breakfast every day?

Hiroshi: Yes, I do.

Teacher: That's good. Does your mother cook breakfast?

Hiroshi: No, she doesn't.

Teacher: Do you cook?

Hiroshi: No, I don't.

Teacher: No? Then who cooks?

Hiroshi: My father.

Teacher: Oh, I see. Your father is a good husband. How about dinner?

Hiroshi: My father cooks.

Teacher: How about cleaning the house?

Hiroshi: My father does.

Teacher: Then, what does your mother do at home?

Hiroshi: Nothing.

Teacher: Nothing?

Hiroshi: But she works outside to make money!

Teacher: Oh, I see!

-_-

'I Got Dad's Punch!'

Teacher: A happy new year, class!

Class: A happy new year, sir/madam.

Teacher: Did you help your family during winter holidays? And did you get anything good as Christmas presents or New Year's presents?

Koiko: I helped my mother on New Year's eve. So I got nice gloves.

Teacher: Sounds great! How about you, Hideki?

Hideki: I cleaned my room every day. So I got a new family computer game.

Teacher: That's good. How about you, Tetsuko?

Tetsuko: I studied hard. So I got a new mechanical pencil from my grandmother.

Teacher: You are lucky. And Takuro?

Takuro: I didn't help my family. I did not clean my room. I did not study, either. I played every day. At last I got Dad's punch!

Teacher: Oh, poor boy!

Oh, poor boy! ;_;

You really have to love how the punchline is usually in the title.

'I Can't Read!'

Akiko: What's wrong, Takeshi?

Takeshi: Nothing.

Akiko: Who wrote the letter?

Takeshi: My girlfriend wrote.

Akiko: You look angry. Why are you angry?

Takeshi: No, I'm not angry.

Akiko: The letter has a bad news [sic]?

Takeshi: No.

Akiko: Please be honest. We are friends. I can help you. I can do anything for you.

Takeshi: Really? Can you help me?

Akiko: Sure!

Takeshi: You are very kind! In fact, I...

Akiko: Did you quarrel with your girlfriend?

Takeshi: No, no. I just can't read several kanji of this letter!

Akiko: Oh, no!

Takeshi's antics don't stop there.

'In the Math Class'

Takeshi: Ken! Ken! Will you give me some paper?

Ken: Sure. Here you are.

Takeshi: May I borrow a pencil?

Ken: OK. Here it is.

Takeshi: Can I borrow your eraser?

Ken: Yeah. Here.

Takeshi: Hmmm...

Ken: What's the matter?

Takeshi: This is very difficult.

Ken: No. It's easy.

Takeshi: Really? You must have good brains. Can I borrow your brain?

Ken: Oh, no! You can't!

BRRRRRRAAINS

The next one is about cultural differences.

'I Did So-so'

Mary: How did you do on the math test?

Junko: I did so-so. How about you?

Mary: I did very well. Look at this. Can I see yours?

Junko: Well...

Mary: Hey. Come on. Wow! Yours is better than mine. You're a liar!

Junko: No, I'm not. That's the way we are.

Mary: Oh, no!

...

OK, I was paging through the book and found this one that is...well, I'll put it here.

'That's Cereal!'

Mom: Good morning, Hiromi. What do you want to eat for breakfast?

Hiromi: Anything.

Mom: No. Don't say 'anything.' You should have an opinion. How about bread and milk? This morning we have good roll [sic].

Hiromi: Let's see...Silica gel is better.

Mom: What? Silica gel? Are you serious?

Hiromi: This is my choice. Don't complain.

Mom: Stupid! If you eat it, you'll die.

Hiromi: No kidding! Bring it soon. Over there! Over there!

Mom: Oh! That's cereal!

...

Peace.

About Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan

I wrote this on Facebook a minute ago, but it seemed worth posting here as well.

I'm no legal scholar, but I do think it would be symbolically valuable for Hasan face treason or treason-related charges (again, strictly speaking, I'm unsure of what options are out there) in addition to the thirteen premeditated murder charges because the fact that he is an officer in our nation's military needs to be highlighted. Assuming he is guilty (...hah...), we've got this instance in which an individual who swore loyalty and allegiance to the United States willingly enabled a new interest to usurp the priority of that commitment.

Calling this terrorism is either hysterical or merely for political advantage among certain audiences. It's trendy and sound-bitey without being clear about what the accused is. The more severe charge-- the real crime itself, I think-- is this demonstration of disloyalty through murder. The US military isn't perfect, but it has often been one of the more egalitarian institutions of American society. That's admirable and something to be proud of, and Hasan's alleged actions spit in the face of that achievement. Again, there are failures, but one's race and religion are generally of little concern to the military if one can do the job that is assigned. The grand ideal is that those who serve agree (in the deepest and most formal sense) to act according to duty and loyalty (yes, despite the scintillating leadership of self-interested career politicians). It works when everyone is on the same page regarding what's most important. It can't work if a soldier has another priority, if he is ultimately more concerned about (and acts according to) the interests of Islam, making money, black people, Canada, atheism, poodle enthusiasts, Christianity, Freemasonry, Jedi knights, or anything but the aims of the military. The murders are horrible. That the targets were fellow servicemen is a separate and distinct injury, and I think it should be noted in public, legal terms.

This isn't to say that there shouldn't be dissent. Dissent is part of being American; it's part of being human. American society and the American military do allow it to varying degrees. But ultimately, you've got to know where you stand. What Hasan cares about is pretty evident, and it's not the army. He could have refused to be deployed and simply faced the legal ramifications, but he instead allegedly decided to shoot people. It was an attack on the personnel, morale, and overall fighting ability of our forces. The shooter isn't someone who wants the US to succeed, and yet he is a serviceman. It seems particularly grievous.

Now, regardless of whether this is to be called terrorism, the military should combat the spread of radical Islam (and everything subversive to the military's mission) within its ranks for the sake of doing its job effectively. Much was made of the institutional efforts to prevent extreme right-wing groups from gaining traction among soldiers a while ago, if I remember correctly, so I guess this is something that military does do. Understanding Hasan's motives does matter-- not for his sake or to sympathize, but to prevent this sort of thing from happening again.

Anyway, in short, I see a traitor here rather than a terrorist (whatever 'terrorist' eventually comes to mean). Are we terrorized, or are we appropriately pissed off about someone violently crapping on the concept of duty?

*If this 'traitor' angle has been beaten to death in the US media already, I apologize-- I'm somewhat out of the loop.

Interesting article.

Unique Conversations: Taxi

It would be as much of a mistake to say that people in Miyako are friendly as it would be to say that they aren't, but I've had a few good, unexpected experiences.

I took a taxi to the airport last month.  Little did I know that I would not only be taken to my destination, but to the wonderful and mysterious world of The Origins of the Miyako Language. 

Miyako Language?  Yeah, it is different from Japanese.  And by different, I mean entirely unlike Japanese.

Here are a few examples (with ample mistakes, I'd expect):

ミドゥーン (miduun) means 彼女 (kanojo), or 'girlfriend'

ンミャーチ (nmyaachi) means ようこそ (yokoso), or 'welcome'

ンギャマス (ngyamasu) means だまれ! (damare), or 'shut up'

アッチャンカイ (acchankai) means 'see you later/bye/etc.'

バタゴゴ (batagogo) means 'I'm full (stomach).'

People interested in Japanese as an elegant language with clean, precise sounds (as I was) should steer clear of Miyako.  It's amusing but not pretty.  It has grown on me, but it still sounds like a mess and is unintelligible to mainland Japanese.  Further, as the taxi driver explained, there are still many problems regarding the transliteration of Miyako words into Japanese characters.

Yes.

Little did I know, the taxi driver had a wealth of information regarding the origins of the Miyako language.  As we made our way to the airport, I explained that I came to Japan largely because I wanted to learn the language, to which he replied 'Yes, but what do you think of the Miyako dialect?'  I immediately saw an education in the making.

APPARENTLY the Miyako language has many similarities to Satsuma Japanese, though the direction of this relationship was unknown to the driver.  He also explained to me how it is difficult to write some Miyako family names in Japanese kanji because of the disparity between the sounds used in Miyako and the sounds that are available in Japanese.

I was taking notes.  The taxi had became a lecture hall.

Naturally, I was reluctant to leave when we arrived at the airport.  These days it is difficult enough to hear interesting thoughts from anyone, and hearing accessible thoughts about Japan/Miyako from an actual local person is doubly so.  When I met my crew at the airport I explained what happened.  

"You heard all of this from a taxi driver?" they asked.  

Word.

To Start in on Posting Instances of Engrish is a Slippery Slope...

...but this is simply too memorable.  The purpose of this decal is to indicate on a given vehicle that there is a pregnant woman on board.  It was spotted in a 100 yen shoppe.

P.S. Here is an edit:  What really gets me about this (aside from the accidentally suggestive quality of the sticker) is the pleased expression on the character's face.  I yearn to be that complacent.

Unique Conversation: Park

I often wash my bike at a park just outside of my side of town.

Allow me to explain.

Shortly after I purchased the bike I started looking for places to wash it. I used a water source at one of the gas stations a few times (thank you to the folks at Eneos), but it was often occupied and the hose was broken. Zipping around the island one day, I came upon a rarely-used park that had a spigot. Since then, that is where I have been washing the bike. Although I have sighted a self-service car wash-type thing in the city, I continue to use the park because the scenery is pleasant.

I also see random people there.

Sometimes when I roll up there is a man in a jumpsuit sleeping on the table under a nearby pavillion. I don't talk to him because it is clear that he too enjoys the serenity of the park and desperately needs rest after working all night. I also don't talk to the older ladies who are exercising-- the sight of a foreigner washing a motorcycle in a park is aggressively suspect, like a noontime drug deal. The younger people who come to the park merely sit in their vehicles, living the the concept of 'park' with sincere and literal dedication.

The guy who brought his dog to the park yesterday, however, needed to know what was going on, including:
(1) The motorcycle's displacement
(2) My general attitude toward the weather in Miyako
(3) Whether I had to take a test to become an English teacher in Japan

To be fair, he was just making an effort to talk to the foreigner-- the very action that motivated me to start writing this. I am appreciative. I should also note that in return for his friendliness I shared with him such Gems of Brilliant Insight as:
(1) Although it is warm in Miyako, I wear a jacket when I ride the motorcycle.
(2) Miyako doesn't have interstate highways, you know.
(3) Your dog, which looks to be the largest dog in Miyako, causes me to be nostalgic about my home in Tennessee.

My Japanese is spectacular.

Really, light conversations make my day. Ours was broken up by me waxing the bike and him doing stretches in anticipation for something and 'rassling the dog. The dog, a golden retriever of age 5, smartly swiped the yellow towel from my pocket and jauntily pranced about. How adorable.

But, about this dude, he was totally a Miyako person. That is, not a mainlander. I think this mostly because I couldn't understand what he was saying most of the time. Nevertheless, the meaning came through, and this supports something I have been thinking about communication (the general topic and activity) for some time: namely, an idea that the most crucial part of communication is not vocabulary or technical skill but the effort or will to communicate. Maybe there is something nonverbal going on. I have other empirical evidence that is related, but I'll save that for later. Peace.

Still doing that stuff

Hey, it's your boy here on this island.

It's finally starting to get a little cooler around here. Diving is still possible, but if this past weekend is any indication, I'm going to need a thicker wetsuit. I haven't been that cold since experiencing a morning in Fukuoka, which, by most accounts, is not cold.

Lately I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my post-Japan plans. This isn't to say that I don't have a sufficient incentive for staying on the program for a couple of years, but the things I want to do are of the sort that requires planning. This ALT gig via the JET Programme is a pretty good job, all things considered-- the pay is decent (not copious, but quite comfortable), I enjoy the work itself, work hours are highly agreeable, etc. At the same time, outside of Japanese language skills (which, for the most part, one needs to make a non-trivial effort to acquire-- it doesn't just 'happen' for most people just by being there), one doesn't get a whole lot of out of the experience. And, at the same time, one's given skills, such as actual teaching ability, capacity for writing, or technical/scientific skills, tend to atrophy. yabai

That sounds more cutting than I intended-- allow me to clarify. I am trying to describe (or simply elaborate for my own benefit) the real, practical skills that can be developed by being an ALT. I don't think that there are many, and I would love to be wrong. There is an appreciable case to be made (and one that I will be making, future employers) that what makes the experience worthwhile is the intercultural exchange-- namely, what you bring to the table (the table that is Japan, or another foreign country) as a cultural envoy and, more significantly, what happens to you as a result of being transplanted into another society. It seems that many people believe this ability to adapt to another culture is a valuable skill of sorts, believing that it is a hard thing to do.

You might be thiking 'So, ZT, what's the hangup? Why can't you sincerely appreciate this aspect of being an ALT?' The hangup is this: in light of what has brought me here, that whole experience, it is hard for me to consider 'adapting to another culture' to be a significant thing. I mean, I'm not the cosmopolitan child of a foreign service officer and I'm not a descendant of recently arrived immigrants. I've never 'summered in Europe' or colonized India while wearing khaki. I'm just a dude from the southeastern United States who, by most accounts, ought to be a rather...culturally insular sort. But, somewhere along the line I got this crazy idea that the meaning of life is to see the world, and now I'm going at it. It hasn't been all that tough. Cultural adaptation, for me, boils down to simply making a conscious effort to go with the flow-- you suspend everyday judgment, you stop having to be right. Practicing sincere philosophy helps with it. Sure, there are tough times, but I still have my guitar, Plato, and XBOX Live.

As I write this, it's becoming apparent that I want to do this cultural immersion stuff. I get a kick out of it. That's probably why it's not a big deal to me, or why I find it easy (USUALLY easy-- the East Asian disavowal of Western logic is...trying). I mean, it makes sense. Before coming out here, many of my friends said 'you're going WHERE to teach English?' (it's more a declaration of my recklessness than a question). Perhaps they say this because they simply have no desire to be elsewhere. That's cool. And I guess that is the sort of person you wouldn't be keen on sending overseas on behalf of your organization. Maybe I am of the sort you would send. Still, I'd like to have more practical skills than simply being able to live in a foreign country, and I'm not terribly keen on being an English teacher until I die (not that one learns much about education simply by being an ALT-- again, it's that non-trivial effort thing).

I guess the true test of my 'adaptive skill' would be me being sent somewhere I don't want to go, like Michigan. More exotically, I also don't want to go to wherever in Africa the tsetese fly is. That shit freaks me out.

Anyway, the significance of adapting to another culture and location is a discussion I'll continue to pursue. Also, it is fun to write when no one is grading my work. I can use excessive parentheticals with impunity.