I originally wrote this on Facebook but am posting it here for your enjoyment.
I'm at school trying to avoid writing essays and have found this book of English language skits for Japanese elementary and junior high school students. I have a suspicion that these were written by non-native English speakers. Or the Excite.co.jp Japanese translator.
I hope you like anti-jokes.
'I Like What I Like!'
Teacher: Do you like steak, Toshio?
Toshio: No, I don't. I don't like steak.
Toshio: Because it isn't good for our health.
Teacher: I see. Then how about fruit?
Toshio: I love all of the fruit. Especially I like melons, apples and oranges. Fruit is good for our health.
Teacher: How about vegetables?
Toshio: I don't like vegetables.
Teacher: But vegetables are also very good for our health. Why don't you like vegetables? Do you have a special reason?
Toshio: No. I have no speacial [sic] reasons. I just like what I like.
'In the Classroom'
Nicchoku: Stand up!
Teacher: Good morning, class.
Class: Good morning.
Nicchoku: Sit down!
Teacher: Now I'm going to take attendance. Andou?
Andou: Yes, sir.
Inoue: I'm present.
Okada: Here, sir.
Teacher: Katou?...Katou? Is he absent?
Okada: Yes, he is absent.
Teacher: OK...next. Suzuki?...Suzuki? Is she absent, too?
Inoue: No, she isn't...she is sleeping.
Teacher: Oh, no!
Teacher: Where is Hiroshi?
Shizuko: I don't know. He often escapes.
- Hiroshi enters -
Teacher: Where were you?
Hiroshi: In the toilet.
Teacher: Why? Today's cleaning is your turn.
Hiroshi: I know.
Teacher: You know? So why didn't you clean?
Hiroshi: I did, sir/madam. I cleaned.
Teacher: But you were in the toilet.
Hiroshi: Yes. I was in the toilet. But I cleaned.
Teacher: You cleaned? What did you clean?
Hiroshi: I often say bad words. So I washed my mouth.
I am continuing my foray into the mind of Japan translated to English translated to child translated to Japanese translated to English.
'I Have a Pet!'
Teacher: Do you have any pets, Takeshi?
Takeshi: Yes, I do.
Teacher: What do you have?
Takeshi: I have a dog. It is white. It is very big. And it is very smart.
Teacher: How about you, Yoko?
Yoko: I have a cat. It is black. It is small. It is very cute.
Teacher: How about you, Yusuke?
Yusuke: My pet is black. And it is very small.
Teacher: Is your pet a cat, too?
Yusuke: No. My pet is not smart or cute. But I don't have to give food to my pet every day.
Teacher: What is your pet?
Yusuke: It's a cockroach!
Teacher: You are kidding, aren't you?
Yusuke: No kidding!
'In the Homeroom Meeting'
Teacher: By the way, Hiroshi, can I ask you some questions?
Teacher: Do you eat breakfast every day?
Hiroshi: Yes, I do.
Teacher: That's good. Does your mother cook breakfast?
Hiroshi: No, she doesn't.
Teacher: Do you cook?
Hiroshi: No, I don't.
Teacher: No? Then who cooks?
Hiroshi: My father.
Teacher: Oh, I see. Your father is a good husband. How about dinner?
Hiroshi: My father cooks.
Teacher: How about cleaning the house?
Hiroshi: My father does.
Teacher: Then, what does your mother do at home?
Hiroshi: But she works outside to make money!
Teacher: Oh, I see!
'I Got Dad's Punch!'
Teacher: A happy new year, class!
Class: A happy new year, sir/madam.
Teacher: Did you help your family during winter holidays? And did you get anything good as Christmas presents or New Year's presents?
Koiko: I helped my mother on New Year's eve. So I got nice gloves.
Teacher: Sounds great! How about you, Hideki?
Hideki: I cleaned my room every day. So I got a new family computer game.
Teacher: That's good. How about you, Tetsuko?
Tetsuko: I studied hard. So I got a new mechanical pencil from my grandmother.
Teacher: You are lucky. And Takuro?
Takuro: I didn't help my family. I did not clean my room. I did not study, either. I played every day. At last I got Dad's punch!
Teacher: Oh, poor boy!
Oh, poor boy! ;_;
You really have to love how the punchline is usually in the title.
'I Can't Read!'
Akiko: What's wrong, Takeshi?
Akiko: Who wrote the letter?
Takeshi: My girlfriend wrote.
Akiko: You look angry. Why are you angry?
Takeshi: No, I'm not angry.
Akiko: The letter has a bad news [sic]?
Akiko: Please be honest. We are friends. I can help you. I can do anything for you.
Takeshi: Really? Can you help me?
Takeshi: You are very kind! In fact, I...
Akiko: Did you quarrel with your girlfriend?
Takeshi: No, no. I just can't read several kanji of this letter!
Akiko: Oh, no!
Takeshi's antics don't stop there.
'In the Math Class'
Takeshi: Ken! Ken! Will you give me some paper?
Ken: Sure. Here you are.
Takeshi: May I borrow a pencil?
Ken: OK. Here it is.
Takeshi: Can I borrow your eraser?
Ken: Yeah. Here.
Ken: What's the matter?
Takeshi: This is very difficult.
Ken: No. It's easy.
Takeshi: Really? You must have good brains. Can I borrow your brain?
Ken: Oh, no! You can't!
The next one is about cultural differences.
'I Did So-so'
Mary: How did you do on the math test?
Junko: I did so-so. How about you?
Mary: I did very well. Look at this.
Mary: Hey. Come on.
Junko: No, I'm not. That's the way we are.
Mary: Oh, no!
OK, I was paging through the book and found this one that is...well, I'll put it here.
Mom: Good morning, Hiromi. What do you want to eat for breakfast?
Mom: No. Don't say 'anything.' You should have an opinion. How about bread and milk? This morning we have good roll [sic].
Hiromi: Let's see...Silica gel is better.
Mom: What? Silica gel? Are you serious?
Hiromi: This is my choice. Don't complain.
Mom: Stupid! If you eat it, you'll die.
Hiromi: No kidding! Bring it soon. Over there! Over there!
Mom: Oh! That's cereal!